The difficulties of life are to make us better, not bitter.”~Unknown
Some of you may recall that I have previously written about
a fractured family relationship that has caused me great heartache and sadness
for decades. Unfortunately, I experienced another emotional episode with
that same person a while ago. This time, though, after years of spiritual
work, instead of being hooked into the same-old, in-kind reaction, I knew I was
okay enough to not only withstand the barrage of anger but to do something
about it. OMIGOD. What a breakthrough.
I immediately remembered that it takes two people to keep this
negative cycle going, and only one to stop it At that moment I promised
myself I was going to be the latter.
Being unaware of the source of the breach between us, I tried
many times through the years to ask the person for forgiveness, but to no
avail. Back then I thought it was because she enjoyed having the power to
deny my hope for reconciliation. Now I know it’s because I was meant to
recognize the fact that if I’m suffering, it’s my problem, and I need to heal
enough to allow whatever I’m holding onto to be faced, felt, and released.
While my inner guidance provided me with the Inner Work
technique to use in such situations years ago – the truth is that I seldom saw
this individual – so I turned within to focus on this issue only when I was the
recipient of another emotional outbreak. By then, I would be
so upset by the depth of the emotions within me that I just wanted to get past
it.
This time, however, I knew instantly that I was through with
being a handy target for these emotional outbursts and was determined to learn
my lesson, grow through it and come to peace with this issue. I went into
prayer and after centering myself, I realized that my inner guidance was urging
me to re-read one of my favorite books. It was by Arun Gandhi, the fifth
grandchild of Mahatma Gandhi, and is titled “Legacy of Love – My Education in
the Path of Nonviolence.”
Not only did I re-read several chapters, I clearly recalled
being at Arun’s presentation that evening back in 2010. Since I thought
that I was in for a history lesson about India’s trials, tribulations and
victories, I didn’t expect it to touch me personally. I was wrong.
His profound insight was that humanity views violence as only physical,
therefore missing the awareness that we daily contribute to passive
violence.
According to Arun, we do this in many oppressive and
disrespectful ways, including gossiping, name calling, blaming, bullying,
teasing and insulting, as well as venting our anger on others. As I remembered
this statement, I realized immediately that there’s probably not a person on
Earth who hasn’t at one time or another unknowingly indulged in some form of
passive violence.
He explained that passive violence generates anger because the
target doesn’t know how to deal with it positively, and the only option
seems to be to resort to some form of physical violence, or to keep
stockpiling resentments. So, I was actually adding fuel to the fire of my
undesirable situation by blaming the other person. Now I see why no
healing was ever possible under those circumstances.
The next insight I gained was that this dysfunctional
relationship was somehow linked to my early-childhood experiences in a large
family that left me feeling unlovable, unworthy and vulnerable. This was
surely the reason that as an adult I was addicted to being treated with loving
kindness and respect. And when the reality of the unkind and
disrespectful relationship with this individual didn’t fit my desires, I
reacted with animosity, blame and a prayer that she would eventually learn her lesson
and act accordingly.
I seized this latest opportunity to clear and release this sad
situation for all time. I immediately began daily forgiveness work for
each of us. When I began to feel centered, and could come from a level of
love for the other person, I started the Inner Work.
After an unusually powerful and tearful energy release, my inner
guidance drew me back in my mind’s eye to when my “adversary” was a newborn
baby.
My first thought was if this is to “soften” me up, it won’t
work. I was born the seventh of ten children. And while I loved
babies and had enjoyed (most of the time) being in charge of my younger brother
and sisters, I was only eight-years-old and just wanted to be free to play
outside with the rest of the kids. When my mother appeared, she took the
infant from the baby’s mother and placed her in my arms, indicating that she
had volunteered me to care for the baby after school each day and on the
weekend. I was overwhelmed.
I sensed it wasn’t wise to speak up, because my mother made it
quite clear the baby was “sickly” and the mother needed help, and we were
“family.” I decided to do what I had to do, but as I girded myself for
this unwanted act of charity, I also actually felt a slight hardening of my
heart toward this infant. Just then I got the message my inner guidance
was orchestrating. I had rejected this fellow human
being from the beginning, and I had to accept 100% responsibility for my
part. She had chosen to give back to me (unknowingly) the rejection I had
set in motion.
When I started to judge myself harshly for what I had done, my
inner guidance stopped me in my tracks. I was to ask myself these
questions: Did I do the best I could as a young child? (Yes.) Did I see life
differently then? (Yes.). Did I know then what I know now?
(No.) Would I have acted differently if I had? (Yes.) Am
I willing to forgive myself for making a mistake, and not realizing the
consequences it set in motion? (Yes.)
At that moment, I relaxed into the process totally, for I knew
from past experience that I was being guided into the insight-healing I sought.
I was now face to face with the infant, looking directly into her sparkling
blue eyes. I was also the adult I am now, and was captivated by how
lively she was, for I knew the life challenges she would face. As she
smiled and gurgled her way into my heart, I felt the plate of armor dissolve
and love flowed freely through me to her. WOW!
I recalled soon after the visioning, that by the time this baby
was two-years-old, and I was 10, I had chosen the path of love for my life
journey. As a result, I spent many hours – and most of the money I
made, (25 cents an hour) from babysitting neighbor children – in trying to add
joy to her life as she faced continuing health challenges.
I also realized once again how powerful our thoughts are and the
importance of mastering them to assure they yield desirable instead of
undesirable results.
When I fully accepted that I was totally responsible for my part
in this situation, and my counterpart was 100% responsible for her reactions
and responses, I vowed to continue the Inner Work and claimed freedom from this
issue for all time. (See the Inner Work steps in the February essay or on the
author’s Web Page at:www.FernStewartWelch.com.)
Hip, Hip, Hurray and Hallelujah! What a gift, and it
couldn’t and wouldn’t have happened until I chose to face the truth and to grow
through life instead of continuing to suffer through it.
I meet every
life experience by smiling, standing tall and saying:Thanks God, here I grow
again.
___________________________________
Copyright
© 2014 by Fern Stewart Welch [This archived essay reprinted by
request]
The author’s books: “Becoming a Spiritual Warrior of the Heart,
(April 2013); “Tea with Elisabeth,” recipient of the 2010 Silver Award for
Non-fiction; “You Can Live A Balanced Life In An Unbalanced World,” (Nov.
2008); and “The Heart Knows the Way – How to Follow Your Heart to a Conscious
Connection with the Divine Spirit Within,” (Feb. 2008), are available at
Amazon.com, other online booksellers, as well as bookstore chains such as
Barnes & Noble.