“Be Yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
~Oscar Wilde
After a
decade of trying to be the Real Me – the me I was born to be –
circumstances still come up that remind me I have a way to go when it comes to
being my authentic self. This means knowing
what I want and don’t want, and having the confidence to let people know me as
I really am. For example, I recently turned what had promised to be a lovely
week into seven days of personal torment, and all because a friend invited me
to an event I didn’t want to attend. So why didn’t I just say no, thanks?
Fear:
Fear that I would hurt my friend’s feelings. Fear that I would be seen as
unfriendly. Fear that my reputation as an enthusiastic participant,
always ready to go, always someone you could count on would be
jeopardized. If I didn’t go, what would she think of me?
Then I
asked myself, if I do go what will I think of me? I knew
the answer to that one: I’d think that here I am again feeling that I have to
live up to someone else’s expectations of who I am and what I should be doing
instead of knowing myself and having the courage to reveal the real me to the
world.
Everybody
does this to some degree, and sometimes with much more serious results than an
unpleasant evening. We’ve all gotten ourselves into undesirable
situations by not knowing who we truly are, and giving others a false
impression of who we are. Going to events you don’t want to attend is
just one of the minor ones. Consider some other choices: marrying the
wrong person, investing decades in the wrong career, accepting a promotion you
don’t want because it’s expected, and in general just letting other people
determine our lives because we don’t have the self-awareness to know who we
are.
Fortunately
for me, I’m at least on my way to finding out. I am committed to growing
through life instead of just going through it. This means I recognize the fact
that I now know what I need to do to continue working on resolving this
self-identity challenge. I trust the technique I learned years ago to help me
do “inner work” to release invalid thoughts, beliefs, life patterns and
idealized and false self-images that block my ability to be the real me. I
happily share the technique later on, but first want you to know how the
process works in me.
The preparatory
work normally unfolds like this: After the unresolved life-issue I’m
facing becomes clear, I withdraw into a quiet, alone time so that I am super
aware of the thoughts that come into my consciousness. In this specific
situation, (the event invitation), the following phrase immediately popped into
my awareness and took up residence: “To thine own self be true.” I
realized from past “inner-work” that I was in the first-stage of the process
and needed to stay focused and open to the thoughts that were being drawn to
me.
As the
thoughts continued to gather, Oscar Wilde’s quote wafted into my mind: “Be
yourself; everyone else is already taken.” I loved that because the humor
made me laugh and lightened my approach. Then, to keep me on track, the
original phrase popped up again, “To thine own self be true.”
After
several days of quiet contemplation, I realized a number of things. The
initial insight was that we all probably agree with the wisdom in these
quotes. The rub is that many of us are walking around presenting
personalities that are a patchwork of characteristics that we’ve slapped
together since childhood so that we would be more acceptable to others and
society. I understood that by the time we are adults we have totally
submerged or at least camouflaged our authentic selves to the point that no one
knows who we really are, including ourselves.
I also
vividly recalled that at an early age I sensed that it was not only wrong to be
who I was it was also unsafe. Being a highly sensitive introvert, it
wasn’t long before I had crafted the persona I thought would bring me the
acceptance and joy I craved. It didn’t. Now, I realize that all the time
I was growing up I was also trying to be someone I wasn’t. It felt like I
was disconnected, incomplete and separated, and had to hide whatever and
whoever I really was. There was also a fear because I was faking it that
at any time I could be unmasked for who I wasn’t, so my ego obviously had to do
double or triple duty to keep the Real Me under wraps.
I also
was certain that if this is true for me, it’s true in some form or degree for
many of us. It saddened me to think that we could live our entire lives
without ever fully knowing the truth of who we were born to be, and to live
authentic lives.
.
At that
time, I realized I had no idea of Shakespeare’s full quote so I looked it up on
the internet and discovered another dimension to the importance of discovering
our real selves. The full quote goes like this: “To thine own self be
true, and as sure as night follows the day, thou canst then be false to no
man.” So, if I didn’t know the Real Me, how could I be true to me and was
I always therefore false to others? Wow. No wonder we live
problematic lives, and relationships are so incredibly challenging.
What I
recognized some time ago was that I was no longer comfortable pretending to be
what I am not. Most assuredly this was enhanced by my advancing age, and a deep
soul urging to experience “being” as much of the Real Me as I possibly could.
My latest
opportunity to do so started with the telephone invitation from my
friend. I really didn’t want to go to the event. All I wanted was
to be open to the process within me that was triggered by her call. This
meant I needed to focus 100% on what was happening within me, and to continue
using the technique daily. Every day I wanted to call and cancel, but just
couldn’t do it. I was sure she wouldn’t understand.
By the
time the friend turned up at my door, I had spent a week wrestling with all the
conflicting emotions and, without even thinking, I simply told her my truth.
Her response was amazing. She admitted that she really didn’t want to go to the
event either and didn’t know why she asked me. As we tearfully and
happily hugged each other, I smiled for I knew the pure joy I experienced was
surely the direct result of being true to me.
While I
recognize the Truth that who we are at the core of our being remains totally
available to us regardless of our cover-ups, I’m certain that we’ve all tried
so hard to be what we’re not that it has caused us a great deal of unhappiness
and sadness. I believe we crave being our real, authentic selves, who we
were born to be, and to live the lives we were born to live. We just need
a desire, and the know-how to do it.
I know
that this type of inner work requires commitment, resolve, and tenacity, but I
also know that this is one of the most important lessons one can ever
learn. After all, if we don’t know who we really are, how can anyone else
every truly know us.
Whether
you want to commit to making a difference in the world or are simply seeking to
create a better life for yourself, the following technique will prove
helpful. Either way it’s a win-win situation, for just by living a better
life you will make a positive difference. If you desire additional information
on this technique, check out Chapter 2 of my latest book, “Becoming a
Spiritual Warrior of the Heart.”
·
Inner Work Technique: Center
yourself by sitting quietly, saying prayers, listening to beautiful music,
meditating or whatever process resonates within you. Write out your
intention: I claim release of any energies, thoughts and emotions that block
the Real Me. Say it aloud, adding: I am divinely guided, guarded and
protected.
·
Declare with emotion/resolve: I call forth the energies (past or
present) that I have invested in the issues that have been repressed and
depressed. I thank them for serving me well, and am ready to release
them.
·
Waiting: It is our responsibility to trust, wait and allow
the release. I soon learned to raise my hands, with palms facing, and
with great clarity to declare: I am balanced between vulnerability
(left hand) that allows the energy to rise within me, and equally empowered
(right hand) to allow me to stay with the process.
·
Waiting patiently: Usually I felt the energy begin to
gather in the area of my sternum, and focused on just allowing it to be.
Quite often there were tears as the energy gathered force and I was able to
fully face, feel and release it … without any idea of what it was about.
·
Still waiting: Sometimes I was led to add another
affirmative prayer: I give every cell, organ, function of my being
permission to release anything that isn’t for my highest and best good –
no matter where it is being held or how long it’s been held.
·
Success: The energy would build and finally crest in tears and
sometimes sadness, but always followed by a notably strong energy release and a
sensation of peace at the core of my being.
·
Closing: I gratefully ask the Universal Life Force-God-Good, to fill
the now-empty spaces with light, love, blessings and freedom.
________________________________
Copyright © 2014 Fern Stewart Welch
The author’s books: “Becoming a Spiritual
Warrior of the Heart, (April 2013); “Tea with Elisabeth,” recipient of the 2010
Silver Award for Non-fiction; “You Can Live A Balanced Life In An Unbalanced
World,” (Nov. 2008), and “The Heart Knows the Way – How to Follow Your Heart to
a Conscious Connection with the Divine Spirit Within,” (Feb. 2008), are
available at Amazon.com, other online booksellers, as well as bookstore chains
such as Barnes & Noble.
