“When
I gave – gifts or service – it made me feel really good inside.
When
I was on the receiving end of giving,
I
often felt uncomfortable, less-than and weak.
~Guess who?
My parents may have been acting on their early church teaching
that giving was better than receiving, or they had simply come up with a handy
way to settle the “who-gets-what?” issues among their nine children. In my child’s mind – I came to believe that I
was giving a lot to others without getting much in return. At any rate, as I grew up, I became a Giver
(with a capital G) because I’d learned that my selfless behavior had seemed to
endear me to others as the considerate, generous and thoughtful one. I stuck with this method of living for a very
long time, until recently, when I discovered that my lifelong habit of
giving-giving-giving was no longer rewarding me with the desired feelings of
love and self-esteem and a sense of being a good person. I had repeated a longtime, annual offer to an
event that really matters to me … and the good feelings I always had before
simply weren’t there.
Naturally I wondered if the lesson I was to learn from this
uncomfortable situation was that I had accepted only half the equation of
Giving and Receiving. I went online and
after reading several articles, I discovered that today Giving and Receiving
are talked about as two points on the same spectrum, as well as examples of the
universal dynamic energy exchanges that take place throughout the Cosmos. It’s the give and take energy-wise that makes
it all work – down to and including on the personal, individual level. One site likened Giving and Receiving to a
flowing river and as long as there were no interruptions or stoppages
everything in the river was healthy and all was good. Hmmm … now that’s an intriguing segue to
learning about how healthy Giving and Receiving can improve our lives on a
daily basis.
What I realized after probing my heart and mind about the
unsatisfying giving experience that
triggered this essay, was that the event itself was not the key to my
dilemma. The strong response was obviously
meant to get me thinking, which it did.
This time, I had reacted with resistance and resentment, instead of the
usual feeling of positive anticipation and joy.
Naturally, I was stunned at first because this specific event was one
that I truly enjoyed and had chosen to be personally involved in for years.
As I continued seeking to understand the change in my attitude
about giving, I noticed a number of uncomfortable memories popping up that
served to recap some aspects of the earlier decades of my life. The images were of kind and loving
individuals who were offering me all forms of assistance or help, and my
response was to avoid Receiving it
like it was the plague. Even when I was
a single mother of three and needed all the help I could get, I always said,
“No thanks, I can handle it,” even when I had no idea of how I could do that.
It seems for some long-forgotten subconscious reason I couldn’t
allow myself to say “yes” because I associated receiving help or support with
being weak, guilty, ashamed, and less-than.
I didn’t know the source of that directive in my subconscious back then
and still don’t know today.
Since this is my fourth essay on this subject it’s obvious that
the answer that I’ve been seeking is that I still have something to learn about
how to balance Giving and Receiving and how to do it healthfully and
continuously.
As I thought long and hard on why I had previously chosen to be a
Giver instead of a Receiver, I realized it was a no-brainer. With Giving there was such a good feeling,
especially when the giving came from my heart to someone or a cause that I
truly cared about. This was hands-down
so much more comfortable and desirable than the feeling of discomfort I
experienced when I was the unaccustomed Receiver.
Today I realize that in all those years when I was so off-balance
in my ideas about giving, I wasn’t just hurting myself, but others as
well. I recognized that my modus operandi back then was so filled
with emotions that there was no way it could have been healthy giving or
receiving. I felt so bad for the person
asking for help, for their humiliation, and for my own memories of how
humiliated I felt when others knew I was needy.
During those heavy-duty emotion-packed times, I just wanted to fulfill
their request quickly, so we could end the emotionally-charged situation for
everyone concerned, especially me.
I never once thought about any repercussions or side effects for
either the giver or receiver in such an unhealthy situation. I realize now that I probably gifted
individuals who would have been better off learning a life lesson from their
needy situation, and sometimes I contributed to a charitable cause just to
boost my self-esteem and feel good about myself. I am human.
Once again I was becoming overwhelmed by not being able to finally
get the spiritual lesson from Giving and Receiving, so I called my go-to
expert, Irene Amanda Hunter, a longtime friend, mentor and spiritual life
coach. Her book, “The Miracle of Being
the Real You,” has helped countless thousands of people, including me, gain
insights into our own blockages and get on with clearing them so we are free to
fully be who we were born to be.
In this instance, she explained that psychologists have now
acknowledged that this almost universal (Giving and Receiving) challenge comes
about when as children we are helpless and dependent on having all our needs
met by others. If we were left without
having received our share of what we needed, the result would be held as a
powerful directive in our subconscious.
These hidden orders concerning
feelings of injustice and lack can serve as silent handicaps that
can thwart the life we’re meant to live. Our saving grace is to seek help and
choose to grow through such challenges instead of just going through them
Now I understand why it was difficult or even impossible at times
to fully express (give) my unique life gifts.
It was because I was still stuck on being needy and wanting only to receive
what was lacking in childhood.
Obviously this is why I over-compensated and became a super-giver to
bolster my sense of self worth.
Since gaining insights to inner blockages is part of my life
purpose, I immediately began Inner Work to release the past and the unknown
subconscious directives that were causing this particular challenge. In doing so, I finally realized that the
strong body-mind-soul negative response I experienced was my body’s way of
saying “Enough!” It was time to grow
through this spiritual lesson and to celebrate the increased conscious
awareness.
So I learned that when we feel overwhelmed it’s not time to give
up and turn to food, or whatever our crutch of choice is at such times. Instead it’s time to move forward and
celebrate another growth step. My new
awareness is now enabling me to release the need to give, give, give, to prove
I am worthy. I chose faith instead of
fear. I’m also learning to say “No” to
shore up my healthy “me first” goal when it’s appropriate; to set boundaries,
and schedule time to continue becoming the Real Me I Was Born to Be.
The reason to master Giving and Receiving is simple and huge. The truth is they’re both the same and you
can’t have one without the other. The
desired result for humanity is that when a person is capable of healthy
receiving from a healthy giver – with love and gratitude – the energy exchange
is complete and perfect. This means that
divine love is expressing through the individuals and voila, we are helping create healthier relationships and a
healthier, balanced world that works for everyone.
Suggestions to
help us become healthy Givers and Receivers:
Take time to love the
wounded child within, and develop a loving, mature adult to guide you.
Give to causes that
inspire you.
Take time to learn to
master Giving and Receiving healthfully.
Give to where you
experience the most joy.
Take time to be Grateful
for the Good that’s come to you and for the good that is yet to be.
Give and Receive with Love and Gratitude.
____________________________________
Copyright© 2015 by Fern Stewart Welch
The author’s books: “Becoming a Spiritual Warrior of the Heart,“ (April 2013); “Tea with Elisabeth,” recipient
of the 2010 Silver Award for Non-fiction; “You Can Live A Balanced Life In An
Unbalanced World,” (Nov. 2008); “The Heart Knows the Way …” (Feb. 2008), are
available on Amazon.com, other online booksellers, as well as bookstore chains
such as Barnes & Noble.
No comments:
Post a Comment