Putting Yourself First May Be the Best – and Most Unselfish – Thing You Can Do

 You, yourself, more than anyone else in the Universe deserve your love and affection. ~ Buddha?

I used to wonder who decided that I was to be a giver instead of a receiver in this life. Well, now I know. I myself made that decision, and I was all of 10 years of age at the time. As young as I was, it seems I had come to a decisive point in my life. I realized I was a conscious, thinking human being, and was searching for something that would lift me up and beyond my current circumstances to a more desired life. At first, I tried finding what I was looking for by visiting some of the churches near our house, but found that their messages of “hell-fire and brimstone” were not what my heart and soul sought. I realized fully that the situation in my birth family figured in my quest also, as I was the seventh of 10 children and was born a highly-sensitive introvert. I yearned for the individual attention, guidance, and love my life was missing, and which was an impossibility in such a large family.

 The decision I made in an innocent Mother Teresa-moment was to choose the path of love and to always give priority to the needs of others (primarily my family members) instead of selfishly focusing on myself. Then I would receive back what I so sorely desired. Being a voracious reader, including books on family issues, I thought I knew how to help fulfill my needs and benefit others. For a time I focused extra attention and caring on my parents and siblings, but it made no difference in the lack of attention or acceptance I felt.

 So I extended my attention beyond the family and discovered that the responses to my selfless-do-gooder actions were beginning to make a difference in my life. It started when Miss Rule, the elementary school librarian, took me under her tutelage and I became her number-one assistant, which was a boost to my self-esteem. Something obviously shifted in the “little me,” for each teacher throughout eighth grade, responded to me in ways that were a balm to my heart and I wanted more of the wonderful feel-good feelings. Those positive feelings were so strong that I remained on the path I had chosen, unaware – or not caring – that I often ignored any preferences or needs of my own to help others.

As a grownup, once I began to focus on the lesson of self-love, which is invaluable to a balanced and happy life, it was clear that some childhood conclusions – like mine – can be the source of poor life decisions, less than healthy relationships, and an unfulfilled life. I realized that my immature decision to put others first no matter what the situation was – needed to be reexamined by a mature adult. And I was the only one who could do it.

What I discovered – became fully conscious of – was that this childhood decision was the source of active conflict in my adult life for at least a decade. It started with the publishing of my books and realizing that in addition to being a highly-sensitive introvert, I had become a spiritual contemplative. This meant that I had no interest in pursuing fame or fortune. I just wanted to follow my chosen path and to fulfill my life purpose – which is to continue growing through life instead of just going through it – and sharing the insights I gained to help others create better lives. I’m in the process of learning to balance self-love with loving and releasing others to their own destinies, and with my background this is a tall order and will take time.

The more I realized that I had been controlled by that subconscious order to always help others, the more I recognized that while some of the “motherly” things I had done through the years may have been truly love-based and healthy, some were not. Sometimes the others involved could have resolved their own challenges and learned vital life lessons, and sometimes my involvement could have been simply an unnecessary interference and probably caused emotional stress for all concerned. Now I’m beginning to experience a feeling of peace and wholeness when my actions come only from love and are positive for all concerned, and a feeling of emptiness and sadness when I realized they are ego-based and come largely from a long-term habit.

I’ve known for a long time that everything in life happens for a reason, and we’re here on Earth to learn the lessons that present themselves. For example I learned a long time ago, after having three children of my own, that there’s no way I could have fulfilled all the individual needs and desires of the 10 children my parents had. Who could? I’m sure that as parents, beyond providing a child’s basic need for shelter, food and love, it is part of the curriculum in Earth school to choose to use what challenges/opportunities life delivers us to fuel our unique life journey. The more challenging our circumstances have been, the greater the gift in overcoming the past.

 I also realize fully that everything that happened in my childhood, including the directive to choose the path of love, is what fueled me to continue on the spiritual path. That decision eventually led me to finding my life purpose, and now the opportunity to open more fully to it. I also recognize how vital self-love is in creating the lives we desire and deserve. And for those insights I bless everything that ever happened in my life for they have brought me more joy and happiness than I ever dreamed possible. Thank you, God. I have no complaints.

 Now that old directive has been replaced by a new one – to be a loving, benevolent “bystander” for those I care about. I will be there when they truly need me, and ask me, and I will remain free to focus on my own soul-growth. This requires conscious commitment, discipline and awareness every single day. It also means I continue working on loving myself so that my level of self-love is at a high level. This keeps me healthy and happy, and any decisions I make are based on selfless-love that benefits all concerned.

Helping others is a blessed life goal, but I’ve learned how important it is to put our own oxygen mask on first, because if our needs are not met, we have little or no ability to help others.

Whenever I fail, or when I doubt, or when I’m down – I remain kind and loving to myself. 

 10 Easy-Peas-y Ways to Build Self-Love, Self-Compassion and a Happy Life

 BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND.

Write down what your “self talk” says about you. If it’s critical, change it to loving words.

Write out a list of your best qualities, life gifts, abilities and look at it often.

 Look in the mirror each day, lock eyes and say I love you – continue until you can feel comfortable and filled with self-love.

 Forgive yourself, others, release the past, and live in the moment.

 Set boundaries and say no to anyone or anything that does not align with your core values, your heart and soul desires, and your highest and best good.

 Meet challenges by going within and asking your inner guidance to tell you the lesson you are to learn. Don’t give up. You already know the answer.

 Meditate. Go within to experience the bliss and deep inner peace within us. Conscious awareness is inherent in this process. You will soon recognize and release old patterns and behaviors and transform your life experience. (See Meditation Made Easy in my Spiritual Warrior book.)

 Say each day with passion: I Am God’s Magnificent Vessel of Greatness!

 Repeat often during challenging times: There is an opportunity in this to learn a lesson. Thanks. Everything happens for my good (eventually) and I’m going to be gentle, kind and loving to myself every day.

____________________________________

Copyright © 2014 by Fern Stewart Welch 

The author’s books: “Becoming a Spiritual Warrior of the Heart (April 2013); “Tea with Elisabeth,” recipient of the 2010 Silver Award for Non-fiction; “You Can Live a Balanced Life In An Unbalanced World,” (Nov. 2008), and “The Heart Knows the Way – How to Follow Your Heart to a Conscious Connection with the Divine Spirit Within,” (Feb. 2008), are available at Amazon.com, other online booksellers, as well as bookstore chains such as Barnes &I Noble.

Shhh, Your Body May Be Talking to You, So Pay Attention ... I Did and Learned a Valuable Lesson in Speaking My Truth

“Proclaim your truth and do not be silenced by fear.”  ~Catherine of Siena

Normally I face the lessons of life one at a time – and that’s always been more than enough to deal with and still recognize insights gained, and to make them a positive part of my life.  But a recent serious and scary medical-dental diagnosis taught me two very important things.  First, our bodies try all the time to tell us important things that are going on, and we need to pay attention to them so that we can act upon any problems  Second, even when we are actively listening, we’re sometimes blocked from taking positive action because of the decisions we’ve made earlier in life.  

Until recently, I had no idea that I wasn’t in full charge of my life, or that I had let some childhood events and memories result in decisions that were still directing and affecting my health.  What I discovered is that as adults – decades later – those decisions may prove to be not wise, in our best interest or for our highest and best good.  What we normally do is continue going on our not-so-merry way, still acting on those old “orders,” until life delivers us a wake-up call.

After I got my medical-dental wake-up call, here’s what popped up for me from my subconscious.  I was in second grade and because my teeth were prone to decay, I had a monthly dental appointment that continued until every tooth had a filling.  The dentist’s name rhymed with killer, so we kids called him Dr. Killer because every tool he used on us was scary and sharp or sounded like a jackhammer.  

At each appointment, by the time my name was called to go in, my imagination had done its worst and I was a bundle of anxiety.  I was desperate to get out and would keep trying to slip away from the dentist’s grasp.  He had no choice but to try to get me back in the chair.  He always won because his last resort was, “Shall I call in your parents?”  I blamed myself for my dental health and never once complained to my parents, or told anyone else about my crippling fear and faulty teeth.

Several years later my parents took me to see a specialist to find out what could be done to help me.  The young dentist took a brief  look at all the shiny fillings and said, “She won’t have any teeth by the time she’s 35-years old.”

I promised myself right then that when I grew up I would always go to a dentist at least twice a year and do everything they advised.  I was determined to keep as many of my teeth as possible and prove the young dentist wrong.

Knowing what I know now as a senior citizen, I realize that I was just one of millions of youngsters who were introduced to dentistry way back when, and it wasn’t a walk in the park.  I don’t know if novocaine was in existence then, but my dentist never used it.  As a result of being so young and emotionally vulnerable, it felt like torture, and left many of us scarred and fearful of dentists for life.

Fortunately as a young adult I chose dentists recommended by my primary care physicians, and this enabled me to make it through the past decades with only some minor procedures, and a permanent bridge that I thought would outlast me.  At my last mid-year checkup, however, I learned that this assumption might not be realistic.

After the cleaning, the dentist did a thorough checkup.  He looked surprised and said: “This is serious,” followed by a detailed list of dental conditions that would include losing the permanent bridge.  I was catapulted back to childhood for a few seconds and thought that the nightmare experience that had haunted me throughout my early years was about to become a reality.

Since I had seen the dentist six months ago and had no prior hint of any problems, I was particularly stunned.  A part of me wanted to ask, “Are you sure?”  But all the eight-year old in me could manage was to ask if he could help me.  I could tell by the conflicting expressions on his face that he wanted to help but wasn’t sure he could.  I hung onto a thought that drifted into my consciousness, “Maybe this is my wake-up call.”  Still a little shaken, I decided to give the situation some more thought and was determined not to act in haste or react from fear.

On my way home I blamed myself for ever eating anything with sugar in it, and for sometimes skipping flossing because I was too tired.  I also wondered about how all these conditions had happened in such a short time and without my noticing any pain or discomfort of any kind.

The more I thought about the latter, the more I knew it was time to go within and ask what my lesson was in this situation.  According to my inner guidance, it was time to release the fear of dentists and the shame of having flawed teeth.  Doing the release work would also free me to speak my truth – not only about my dental health but in other areas and aspects of my life.

Greatly heartened by that, I e-mailed my doctors and they responded quickly to advise me that almost every unusual malady over the past two years could be linked directly to the dental problems.  While I had been “listening” to my body, and sharing the ailments with my physicians – knowing nothing of any dental challenges at that time – so it never occurred to anyone to share them with my dentist.

With the support of my team of physicians, it took only a short time to settle into a proactive plan.  I had listened to my body – and now I was starting to speak up and take action.

One dentist I was consulting with about my situation went right for a question that he thought was the core of my dental problems.  He had seen my x-rays and the query was legitimate.  “Are you the type of patient who only seeks a dentist when the condition needs urgent care?”  Without a second thought the emotion welled up within me and with a powerful surge of energy I firmly and fearlessly did some more speaking up, sharing pent-up fear and shame that had been suppressed since childhood.

The doctor’s expression immediately changed from a business-as-usual approach to one of compassion.  He told me that it was unfortunate that this has been the common experience of so many senior citizens as well as their parents, and the result was usually that they were never able to overcome those early fears.  This caused many to steer clear of dentists until it was too late to save their teeth.  He explained that this was why he became a "space age" dentist.

He smiled and added, “As for your situation, let’s work together to restore your dental health.” I agreed.

By the time we ended our meeting, the dentist knew I had never broken my childhood promise to take better care of myself.  And I realized from his input that I had still been acting from decisions made in childhood about not sharing information with any dentist.  The fear back then was that it would work against me and I would require even more dental work.  I promised myself I would never make that mistake again.

The Good News is that I am committed to partnering with my current dentist, and he has already completed some of the preliminary procedures that are making it possible to replace the “permanent” bridge.  I am so grateful there was a choice available.  I’ve also learned from this experience that no matter what our challenge is, the key is to pay close attention to the messages our bodies give us when we’re out of balance.  This is a signal to speak up and take care of the problem.  We can also ask for clarification through a dream, or simply turn within and ask for guidance—then listen to it.

Naturally I also realize that the only reason I was able to face this serious situation as an adult is because I was finally aware enough to replace the “old” instructions of a well-meaning and brave little eight-year old (who I love dearly)—with those of a grownup.

 I claim that with God’s grace and loving kindness, I continue speaking my truth and living as the Real Me I was born to be.

__________________________________                                                                                                                                   

Copyright © 2014 by Fern Stewart Welch

The author’s books: “Becoming a Spiritual Warrior of the Heart,” (April 2013); “Tea with Elisabeth,” recipient of the 2010 Silver Award for Non-fiction; “You Can Live a Balanced Life In An Unbalanced World,” (Nov. 2008) and “The Heart Knows the Way – How to Follow Your Heart to a Conscious Connection with the Divine Spirit Within,” (Feb. 2008), are available at Amazon.com, other online booksellers, as well as bookstore chains such as Barnes & Noble.

The Doctor is Always In ... When We Help Heal Ourselves

    
  Healing comes from within. There is nothing mysterious or subtle about this process.  The subconscious mind simply directs the healing alpha brain waves to the  diseased cells.  I’ve seen it happen thousands of times.  All it takes is faith, fortitude and an open mind. 

  

         ~Gladys T. McGarey, M.D., M.D.(H), author of “The Physician Within You.”

“Physician, heal thyself." Through the years, I've heard that a lot from my former personal physician and now life-coach, Dr. McGarey – the godmother of holistic medicine in America – who at age 93 lives an active life and is prescription free.  But most recently I’ve heard it from my inner guidance.  A while ago, it was in response to asking what I needed to learn concerning a family relationship. At the time, I understood that admonition to mean that I had more inner work to do to continue healing and releasing false beliefs and life patterns that created my resistance to healthy relationships in the first place.

But a series of recently experienced medical-dental problems caused me to take that message literally.  When I asked my inner guidance for help, I got the now familiar answer, “Physician, heal thyself.” After I checked in with Dr. Gladys, she added that it was certainly possible that the dental challenge was also the cause of a number of the maladies I had been experiencing.

It took me a week to settle down and let go of blaming myself for ever eating sugar or ever thinking I was too tired to floss.  When I finally finished venting, I remembered that everything happens to us for a reason, and I knew it was time to start accepting what is and to turn my thoughts to what I could do about the condition. 

That’s when it began to dawn on me that this challenge was the beginning of a major lesson.   Part of my spiritual philosophy includes the belief that we can heal ourselves by aligning with the God-power within us and putting our faith where our mouth is – so to speak. 

I was so grateful that the first thoughts that popped into my mind were positive.  I recalled the accounts in Dr. Gladys’ book and in conversations with her patients that included wonderful healing stories and they happened to ordinary human beings, just like me.  These were followed by realizing that I wasn’t going to commit to any specific medical-dental treatment until I investigated all the options, which meant I was taking responsibility for the decision-making process before me. I was being "the physician."

When I asked my guidance for more details, I was reminded that I have been working for a long time on owning the belief that in aligning myself with the God-energy within me, my word is in alignment with the natural Law of Mind.  This means thoughts are things and what we focus on (positive or negative) – tend to manifest in our lives.  This is true, but I never truly thought I would be put to the test and asked to live it – again and again. My full belief is that the more I grow from trust to complete faith in this energy/power that is in everyone and everything, the more I am capable of healing my current health problems, and helping others learn to do the same.

At that point I remembered what someone told me years ago about the difference between hope, trust and faith.  He used this visualization to cement the difference in my mind:  I was to close my eyes and imagine myself watching a daring and dangerous high-wire act, in which a man is going to push a wheelbarrow across the wire to the other side of the huge tent … without a net.  I hoped and trusted that the man would be successful; after all he was a professional.  Then my friend leaned in close and said, “Faith is getting in the wheelbarrow.”  I felt the difference viscerally.

According to my inner guidance, I am ready to move from trust to faith, and I knew from experience that I would be guided and supported every step of the way.   Further recommendations were to:  1) Set my intention to help heal myself, and to claim that daily as often as possible, 2) follow my doctors’ recommendations about taking proactive steps to begin healing any inflammation or infection, and 3) to continue my healthy nutritional routine, and exercise program, which will assist the healing on a cellular level.

But in fairness, I must share the flip side of my proactive outlook.  Negative thoughts did come up, but they were not as long-lasting or as strong as those in the past.  Evidently my many years of inner work have helped me heal some of the energy within me that fostered feelings of being unworthy, undeserving and unlovable. 

My first negative thoughts were: Do I deserve this healing?  Do I fully believe and trust in my faith in a higher power?  Am I spiritually aware enough to seek such a big request from God? Should I have started with a lesser need?  Or should I have chosen first to seek a healing for someone else?

These negative thoughts were easily quelled by repeating some positive affirmations (directed prayers), and I was able to center myself rather quickly.  I also remembered that several months ago I had also asked for guidance to help me continue experiencing life on Earth so that I could fulfill my life purposes, potential and true heart and soul desires.  I was told that I would have to improve my diet and focus on foods that offered maximum nutrition, and to continue actively moving my body to maintain optimal health.  I was also to keep on with the inner work, and my daily spiritual practice, which includes seeking a closer connection with the Oneness-God.

I was fascinated when told by my inner guidance that there’s nothing to be healed – “… only the Truth to be revealed,” I think I understand what that means.  We are already perfect in Spirit, and when we can focus on elevating our thoughts to meet and rise above the energy level that produced the condition in the first place; that’s when the healing can happen.

At that point, we will naturally be moved to express heart-felt gratitude and to give thanks for the healing and for our faith, fortitude and open mind. 

This is an exciting opportunity to be part of my own healing.  Dr. Gladys taught me years ago that there is no healing without love.  Since I chose the path of love at age 10, I have become quite facile with loving and giving to others.  I’m thinking my lesson in this life adventure is to love myself – to fill any emptiness within me which strengthens my faith in me – thus enhancing  my desire to have life and to have it more abundantly.

As I align with the physician within, partner with my doctors, love myself, and support my body’s natural impulse to heal … I accept, allow and claim health, wholeness and joy. 

FYI: If you would like to connect with, “The Physician Within You,” go to Amazon.com and scoop up Dr. Gladys’ classic how-to book.   Here are just the brief titles of her 10 Commandments of Wholeness:  1) Be positive.  Give yourself something to live for; 2) Love yourself without being indulgent; 3) Be forgiving; 4) Keep your life balanced; 5) Take time to meditate and pray; 6) Listen to the messages from your body; 7) Look for humor and joy in every situation; 8) Breathe deeply; 9) Dream yourself to health, and 10) Know that healing comes from within.

__________________________________  
Copyright© 2014 by Fern Stewart Welch 

  

The author’s books: “Becoming a Spiritual Warrior of the Heart, (April 2013); “Tea with Elisabeth,” recipient of the 2010 Silver Award for Non-fiction;  “You Can Live A Balanced Life In An Unbalanced World,” (Nov. 2008); and “The Heart Knows the Way – How to Follow Your Heart to a Conscious Connection with the Divine Spirit Within,” (Feb. 2008), are available at Amazon.com, other online booksellers, as well as bookstore chains such as Barnes & Noble.

                                                                                                    

                                               

Wah! Wah! Wah! Nobody Likes a Whiner … and It Doesn't Work Anyway

A positive outlook and an attitude of gratitude unlock the fullness of life.

                   ~Unknown

When I read the Caller ID, I had mixed feelings about answering the phone. I was writing and wanted to stay focused and in the zone.  Also, the caller was an old friend who contacted me only occasionally, and usually to ask for support during a life challenge.  But my heart softened and I picked up the phone, preparing myself to hear a litany of complaints about life in general – government  bureaucracy, the economy, world affairs, even the latest celebrity scandal – which in my view was the whiney part of his conversation that always came before his real reason for calling.  

Instead, he said, “Just checking in to see how you are,” and then went silent.  So what did I do?  I picked up the baton and did the Amalgamated Union of Complainers and Whiners – if there is one – proud. He was playing my role and I was playing his!

What was going on?  He was “the whiner,” not me.  Later, I realized that though I had never thought of myself as a complainer, perhaps I’d fallen into the habit without realizing it.  I'd certainly leapt at this opportunity.  But for as long as I could remember, thinking positively had been my motto and seeking information on how to live a better, more positive life was my goal.

I was already a voracious reader by the age of 10. Way back then, I spent most of my free days at the local library, and around that time I chose Norman Vincent Peale’s book “The Power of Positive Thinking” as my life pattern. I’m thinking that many of my generation did the same. 

What I was trying to figure out is why after all those years of believing in and seeking to live this preferred approach to life, I had succumbed to the now seemingly pandemic and socially acceptable culture of complaining – about everything.  Knowing the truisms that thoughts become things … and as we think, so we are, I considered this sudden jolt to my self-image as a message from my inner guidance that something needed fixing in my life, right now.  Simply stated, being a whiner or a complainer was not who I was or who I wanted to become.

I don’t get it.  Here we are one of the most fortunate countries in the world, and we’ve become a nation of complainers and whiners and criticizers.  I’ve dubbed this moaning, groaning, whimpering disease MRSA of the Mind, as so far there’s no magic bullet to heal that terribly infectious disease or humanity’s obsession with complaining.

When I went within and asked my inner guidance for the lesson I was to learn in this situation, the message/insight I received was: ‘Physician heal thyself.”  This admonition refers to our inner-healer self, which knows what we need emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually in order to live a balanced, healthy life.  In this instance the message had to do with some strong and unresolved energy that I held around two almost-lifelong issues I had recently placed in the “vault.”  This was because I had done daily inner work on them for almost a year, and realized it was time to take a break.

Obviously they were coming back again demanding my attention.   As I thought about my situation later I began to understand at least one of the reasons that we’ve become a nation of whiners, complainers, and criticizers.  When our own lives aren’t working the way we desire, which is what I was experiencing, we become angry and upset.  If we’re not aware that we’re really seeking an outlet to release our own suppressed stuff, it’s easy to jump on board the national pastime and vent some of our own pent-up-anger-energy.

 Actually, when I learned That There Was Still MORE Work To Do on Those Two Almost-Lifelong Issues, the energy I held around them was being expressed as disappointment and anger.  At that point, I slipped into spending precious moments of time on inane and stupid things—like criticizing the unlucky celebrity chosen to receive the brunt of America’s scorn, until being replaced the next week by another scapegoat.  It’s taken me many years to feel good enough about myself to allow others to see the Real Me, and I refuse to indulge in picking on others to make myself feel better. 

I recognized immediately that joining the masses to censure someone else’s behavior or lifestyle was a mind trick we choose to release our own pent-up anger and disappointments in life … and in the process, ignore our real life issues.  Choosing the witchy-bitchy-complaining and criticizing approach to life is taking the easy way out.  Instead, we can choose to turn within and clean up our own act, which isn’t always quick or easy—but it is the key to creating a better life.

Incidentally, I had no idea I was such a natural at complaining. That I could really get into it, enthusiastically.  My friend mumbled something about an incoming call and got off the phone as quickly as he could.

As I settled into working on those old issues once again, I acknowledged that when I have taken the time to go within and heal and release energies that no longer serve my highest and best good, then I can come from a more balanced state in all aspects of life.  This means I can differentiate between what is worth complaining and doing something about in my life, and also in the world – and what helps no one and isn’t worthy of my time or energy.

According to research scientists and millions of individuals, it’s a proven fact that a feeling of gratitude and positive thinking are keys to health, well-being, prosperity, a successful life and enhanced longevity. 

When we spend our lives complaining, it becomes a habit, and there’s no way we can come from a positive outlook or an attitude of gratitude.  This also means we have little control over our lives, because the thoughts we focus on determine what comes into our lives. I believe that when we’re grateful first for every good we’ve ever received,  including the gift of life – and we focus positive thoughts on receiving more good – only then will the universe deliver what we truly desire, which is more health, wealth, joy and happiness into our lives.

I claim that I embody and live each day - to the best of my ability – this affirmative prayer:

Thank you for everything, God.  I have no complaints whatsoever!

FYI: If you’re stuck in the mode of complaining because the world isn’t meeting your dreams and desires, and you want to break free and change your life.  Here are five easy and simple steps to help you attain and maintain an attitude of gratitude, which is the basis of a positive outlook: 

#1 Keep a daily Gratitude Journal, yes, just like Oprah does.  It will change your life.

#2 Look for opportunities to be grateful in your life, no matter what happens. There are no mistakes, everything happens for a reason.  We’re here to learn lessons and the bigger the challenge the greater the gift in it.  Even pain can open us to a new level of understanding.  Bless everything and everyone.

#3 Share your Gratitude with family and friends, and encourage others to do the same.

#4 Take a Gratitude Walk, and be fully present. Really look at the sky, the clouds, and the trees and hear the twittering of the birds.  Be grateful for everything you feel, hear and see, and embrace it with heart-felt intensity, and then bless Mother Earth for providing such a beautiful home for us.

#5 Sit quietly before you go to bed at night, go within and count your blessing for the day; really dig deep and FEEL the heart-lifting, soul-soothing, celebratory effect this has on you.  You will sleep better also.

__________________________________

Copyright © 2014 by Fern Stewart Welch

The author’s books: “Becoming a Spiritual Warrior of the Heart, (April 2013); “Tea with Elisabeth,” recipient of the 2010 Silver Award for Non-fiction;  “You Can Live A Balanced Life In An Unbalanced World,” (Nov. 2008); and “The Heart Knows the Way – How to Follow Your Heart to a Conscious Connection with the Divine Spirit Within,” (Feb. 2008), are available at Amazon.com, other online booksellers, as well as bookstore chains such as Barnes & Noble.

How I Learned (Painfully) That Patience Isn’t Just a Virtue … It Can Also Keep You Out of the Hospital

“Self-love is the key to patience, persistence and success.”   ~Unknown

I’ve been wrestling with the reality of patience vs. impatience for many years – with healthy signs that I’m making progress.  But I still experience times like the following situation, when I wish with all my heart that I had stopped and asked myself: If I really loved me, what would I do right now?

After grocery shopping for an hour, I arrived home with a trunk full of bags to unload by myself, and the awareness that I would have to put them all away.  I was tired, my patience exhausted, and all I wanted was to get this chore over with and sit down to relax.  I grabbed two of the last four bags in each hand, noticing that the ones in my right hand each contained a half gallon of milk.  I didn’t think about those heavy bags, just that if I could close the trunk of my car right then, I wouldn’t have to come back out to the garage to do it.

Reaching for the trunk lid, I swung my right arm up above my head, attempting a Michael Jordan slam dunk, grabbed the lid and pushed down.  But it took more strength than I had with the weight of the milk containers and I knew as soon as the lid slammed shut that I had hurt my shoulder.  By the next day, the pain had not abated so I sought medical help.  I had a moderate injury to my rotator cuff that would not require surgery, but would take time to heal, and I would have to limit the use of my right arm, including not being able to drive for a while.

Why was I in such a hurry that I abandoned good sense, acted without thought and chose to do something that would compromise my well-being?  If I had taken a moment to think, had a moment’s patience, I would have realized that what I was doing was not only risky but unnecessary.  Surely I had already had enough not-so-good experiences with impatience in my long lifetime to learn this lesson.  I can remember as a child my great-grandmother, Amanda Hampton Crownover, would wag her pointer finger at me and say, “Act in haste, repent at leisure.” Was I ever! Ouch!

Yet, when an issue, such as patience, or the lack of it, sticks in my consciousness, and won’t go away, I know it’s an indication that it’s way past time to focus on this lesson.  My modus operandi is to turn within and realize any insights, apply them in my life to assist me on my spiritual journey, and to share them with other interested souls who also seek to know how life on Earth is meant to work.

As the thoughts began to gather around the current issue – my lack of patience – I recalled that in at least three instances over the past few years, my impatience resulted in some totally unnecessary, minor – yet painful and inconvenient – health challenges.  Many seniors would just chalk those experiences up to aging and let it go at that.  Not me.  I want truth.

When I asked my inner guidance what I’m to learn from these situations, I was told that if I want to continue experiencing life on Earth, I have to take better care of the sacred vehicle (body) that allows me to do so.  As usual, part of that aspect had to do with getting the maximum nutritional value from the foods I ingest, and also exercising a little every day to keep all the organs functioning at an optimal level.  I’m seriously working on each of these.

But the most important – as well as the most surprising, and vital bit of information – was that I needed to face, heal and release the mental and emotional aspects of me that cause the impatience.  In other words, the major insight in this specific situation turned out to be that I evidently had much more inner work to do on loving myself.

Actually, I honestly thought that after all the years of daily inner work I’ve done to heal and release the childhood feelings of being undeserving, unworthy and unlovable, that I was now nearly “home free.”  Not so.  Evidently I still have layers of undesirable energies that if I want to keep moving forward on the spiritual path, need to be acknowledged and worked with until they too are in alignment with what is for my highest and best good.

As I began the process of plumbing the depths of me to discover insights about my impatience, naturally the first thing I thought of was what I, and perhaps others, consider the real-world definition of patience.  It goes something like this:  Patience means gritting our teeth, digging in our heels and putting up with some undesirable and negative condition, person or situation.

Now I know that while some of this may be true, it’s obvious that there’s a lot more to the full meaning of patience than most of us realize.

After several days of soul-searching and no instant insights, I realized that the only way I was going to make any progress was by going within and looking at my own life.  The first thing that popped up was the fact that when I answered God’s call to be a Spiritual Warrior of the Heart more than twelve years ago, it took not only great daily patience but also long-term persistence (and faith) to stay on my spiritual path.  It wasn’t and still isn’t always easy to stay strong and face the challenges and blockages that pop up from the core of my being.  More often than not, it was extremely humbling.  But the patience and persistence I have managed to gain continue to help me stay lovingly present and conscious of what is happening on my spiritual path so I can open to the insights and fulfill my purpose by sharing them to help others on their life journeys.

As to my inner work, after going within and releasing any negative feelings about my periodic “attacks” of impatience, I released any unloving feelings about myself.  At that point, I got it that patience in its true fullness means first and foremost that we are to be patient with ourselves.  This also means being compassionate, and forgiving, and loving ourselves at every opportunity, because we are all works-in-progress, and we deserve all the help we can get.

What I believe we all need to remember is that we have our human aspect and our Godly side.  While we are human and can choose to express anger, fear, impatience and jealousy, we also have and can express the God-qualities of compassion, caring, joy, love, patience and persistence.  I consider myself reminded Big Time that patience means being loving to me first.  This opens up the opportunity to give any decision the time it needs before I abandon loving myself and act impatiently.

The other insight I gained was that when we can grow into having patience with ourselves and the process of life – whether or not we’re committed to a spiritual path or just want to create a better life – we will automatically realize that self-love is a vital part of our truth and that it requires daily practice.  Actually our universal life mission is to truly love ourselves.  It’s been said throughout eons of time that before we can love another we have to love ourselves.

Oh, BTW, if I had had the patience in my garage to put those heavy things down and to ask myself the question: “What would be the loving thing to do?”  The answer would have been that a truly self-loving person would never consciously choose to risk injury just to save a few moments of time.  Knowing what I know now, I choose to strengthen my self-love, and to claim that patience and persistence guide my life.  I can hear my beloved great-grandmother saying: “Finally, better late than never.”

      I daily claim and practice self-love, patience and persistence.  

With patience I hold on, hold fast and hold out for the best life has to offer.

___________________________________

Copyright © 2014 by Fern Stewart Welch

The author’s books: “Becoming a Spiritual Warrior of the Heart, (April 2013); “Tea with Elisabeth,” recipient of the 2010 Silver Award for Non-fiction;  “You Can Live A Balanced Life In An Unbalanced World,” (Nov. 2008); and “The Heart Knows the Way – How to Follow Your Heart to a Conscious Connection with the Divine Spirit Within,” (Feb. 2008), are available at Amazon.com, other online booksellers, as well as bookstore chains such as Barnes & Noble.

"Oh, God! Here I Go Again" or "Thanks, God! Here I Grow Again" ... The Choice Is Up to Us

The difficulties of life are to make us better, not bitter.” ~Unknown

Some of you may recall that I have previously written about a fractured family relationship that has caused me great heartache and sadness for decades.  Unfortunately, I experienced another emotional episode with that same person a while ago.  This time, though, after years of spiritual work, instead of being hooked into the same-old, in-kind reaction, I knew I was okay enough to not only withstand the barrage of anger but to do something about it.  OMIGOD.  What a breakthrough.

I immediately remembered that it takes two people to keep this negative cycle going, and only one to stop it  At that moment I promised myself I was going to be the latter.

Being unaware of the source of the breach between us, I tried many times through the years to ask the person for forgiveness, but to no avail.  Back then I thought it was because she enjoyed having the power to deny my hope for reconciliation.   Now I know it’s because I was meant to recognize the fact that if I’m suffering, it’s my problem, and I need to heal enough to allow whatever I’m holding onto to be faced, felt, and released.

While my inner guidance provided me with the Inner Work technique to use in such situations years ago – the truth is that I seldom saw this individual – so I turned within to focus on this issue only when I was the recipient of another emotional outbreak.    By then, I would be so upset by the depth of the emotions within me that I just wanted to get past it.

This time, however, I knew instantly that I was through with being a handy target for these emotional outbursts and was determined to learn my lesson, grow through it and come to peace with this issue.  I went into prayer and after centering myself, I realized that my inner guidance was urging me to re-read one of my favorite books.  It was by Arun Gandhi, the fifth grandchild of Mahatma Gandhi, and is titled “Legacy of Love – My Education in the Path of Nonviolence.”

Not only did I re-read several chapters, I clearly recalled being at Arun’s presentation that evening back in 2010.  Since I thought that I was in for a history lesson about India’s trials, tribulations and victories, I didn’t expect it to touch me personally.  I was wrong.

His profound insight was that humanity views violence as only physical, therefore missing the awareness that we daily contribute to passive violence.

According to Arun, we do this in many oppressive and disrespectful ways, including gossiping, name calling, blaming, bullying, teasing and insulting, as well as venting our anger on others. As I remembered this statement, I realized immediately that there’s probably not a person on Earth who hasn’t at one time or another unknowingly indulged in some form of passive violence. 

He explained that passive violence generates anger because the target doesn’t know how to deal with it positively, and the only option seems to be to resort to some form of physical violence, or to keep stockpiling resentments.  So, I was actually adding fuel to the fire of my undesirable situation by blaming the other person.  Now I see why no healing was ever possible under those circumstances.

The next insight I gained was that this dysfunctional relationship was somehow linked to my early-childhood experiences in a large family that left me feeling unlovable, unworthy and vulnerable.  This was surely the reason that as an adult I was addicted to being treated with loving kindness and respect.  And when the reality of the unkind and disrespectful relationship with this individual didn’t fit my desires, I reacted with animosity, blame and a prayer that she would eventually learn her lesson and act accordingly.

I seized this latest opportunity to clear and release this sad situation for all time.  I immediately began daily forgiveness work for each of us.  When I began to feel centered, and could come from a level of love for the other person, I started the Inner Work.

After an unusually powerful and tearful energy release, my inner guidance drew me back in my mind’s eye to when my “adversary” was a newborn baby.

My first thought was if this is to “soften” me up, it won’t work.  I was born the seventh of ten children.  And while I loved babies and had enjoyed (most of the time) being in charge of my younger brother and sisters, I was only eight-years-old and just wanted to be free to play outside with the rest of the kids.  When my mother appeared, she took the infant from the baby’s mother and placed her in my arms, indicating that she had volunteered me to care for the baby after school each day and on the weekend.  I was overwhelmed.

I sensed it wasn’t wise to speak up, because my mother made it quite clear the baby was “sickly” and the mother needed help, and we were “family.”  I decided to do what I had to do, but as I girded myself for this unwanted act of charity, I also actually felt a slight hardening of my heart toward this infant.  Just then I got the message my inner guidance was orchestrating.  I had rejected this fellow human being from the beginning, and I had to accept 100% responsibility for my part.  She had chosen to give back to me (unknowingly) the rejection I had set in motion.

When I started to judge myself harshly for what I had done, my inner guidance stopped me in my tracks.  I was to ask myself these questions: Did I do the best I could as a young child? (Yes.) Did I see life differently then? (Yes.).  Did I know then what I know now? (No.)  Would I have acted differently if I had?  (Yes.)  Am I willing to forgive myself for making a mistake, and not realizing the consequences it set in motion?   (Yes.)

At that moment, I relaxed into the process totally, for I knew from past experience that I was being guided into the insight-healing I sought. I was now face to face with the infant, looking directly into her sparkling blue eyes.  I was also the adult I am now, and was captivated by how lively she was, for I knew the life challenges she would face.  As she smiled and gurgled her way into my heart, I felt the plate of armor dissolve and love flowed freely through me to her. WOW!

I recalled soon after the visioning, that by the time this baby was two-years-old, and I was 10, I had chosen the path of love for my life journey.  As a result, I spent many hours – and most of the money I made, (25 cents an hour) from babysitting neighbor children – in trying to add joy to her life as she faced continuing health challenges.

I also realized once again how powerful our thoughts are and the importance of mastering them to assure they yield desirable instead of undesirable results.

When I fully accepted that I was totally responsible for my part in this situation, and my counterpart was 100% responsible for her reactions and responses, I vowed to continue the Inner Work and claimed freedom from this issue for all time. (See the Inner Work steps in the February essay or on the author’s Web Page at: www.FernStewartWelch.com.)

Hip, Hip, Hurray and Hallelujah!  What a gift, and it couldn’t and wouldn’t have happened until I chose to face the truth and to grow through life instead of continuing to suffer through it.

I meet every life experience by smiling, standing tall and saying: Thanks God, here I grow again.

___________________________________
Copyright © 2014 by Fern Stewart Welch  

The author’s books: “Becoming a Spiritual Warrior of the Heart, (April 2013); “Tea with Elisabeth,” recipient of the 2010 Silver Award for Non-fiction; “You Can Live A Balanced Life In An Unbalanced World,” (Nov. 2008); and “The Heart Knows the Way – How to Follow Your Heart to a Conscious Connection with the Divine Spirit Within,” (Feb. 2008), are available at Amazon.com, other online booksellers, as well as bookstore chains such as Barnes & Noble.

To Thine Own Self Be True … But First You Have to Know Who the Person in the Mirror Really Is

“Be Yourself; everyone else is already taken.”

~Oscar Wilde

 

After a decade of trying to be the Real Me – the  me I was born to be – circumstances still come up that remind me I have a way to go when it comes to being my authentic self.  This means knowing what I want and don’t want, and having the confidence to let people know me as I really am. For example, I recently turned what had promised to be a lovely week into seven days of personal torment, and all because a friend invited me to an event I didn’t want to attend.  So why didn’t I just say no, thanks?

Fear:  Fear that I would hurt my friend’s feelings.  Fear that I would be seen as unfriendly.  Fear that my reputation as an enthusiastic participant, always ready to go, always someone you could count on would be jeopardized.  If I didn’t go, what would she think of me?

Then I asked myself, if I do go what will I think of me?  I knew the answer to that one: I’d think that here I am again feeling that I have to live up to someone else’s expectations of who I am and what I should be doing instead of knowing myself and having the courage to reveal the real me to the world.  

 

Everybody does this to some degree, and sometimes with much more serious results than an unpleasant evening.  We’ve all gotten ourselves into undesirable situations by not knowing who we truly are, and giving others a false impression of who we are.  Going to events you don’t want to attend is just one of the minor ones.  Consider some other choices: marrying the wrong person, investing decades in the wrong career, accepting a promotion you don’t want because it’s expected, and in general just letting other people determine our lives because we don’t have the self-awareness to know who we are.

 

Fortunately for me, I’m at least on my way to finding out. I am committed to growing through life instead of just going through it. This means I recognize the fact that I now know what I need to do to continue working on resolving this self-identity challenge. I trust the technique I learned years ago to help me do “inner work” to release invalid thoughts, beliefs, life patterns and idealized and false self-images that block my ability to be the real me. I happily share the technique later on, but first want you to know how the process works in me.

 

The preparatory work normally unfolds like this:  After the unresolved life-issue I’m facing becomes clear, I withdraw into a quiet, alone time so that I am super aware of the thoughts that come into my consciousness. In this specific situation, (the event invitation), the following phrase immediately popped into my awareness and took up residence: “To thine own self be true.”  I realized from past “inner-work” that I was in the first-stage of the process and needed to stay focused and open to the thoughts that were being drawn to me.

 

As the thoughts continued to gather, Oscar Wilde’s quote wafted into my mind: “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”  I loved that because the humor made me laugh and lightened my approach. Then, to keep me on track, the original phrase popped up again, “To thine own self be true.” 

 

After several days of quiet contemplation, I realized a number of things.  The initial insight was that we all probably agree with the wisdom in these quotes.  The rub is that many of us are walking around presenting personalities that are a patchwork of characteristics that we’ve slapped together since childhood so that we would be more acceptable to others and society.  I understood that by the time we are adults we have totally submerged or at least camouflaged our authentic selves to the point that no one knows who we really are, including ourselves.

 

I also vividly recalled that at an early age I sensed that it was not only wrong to be who I was it was also unsafe.  Being a highly sensitive introvert, it wasn’t long before I had crafted the persona I thought would bring me the acceptance and joy I craved.  It didn’t. Now, I realize that all the time I was growing up I was also trying to be someone I wasn’t.  It felt like I was disconnected, incomplete and separated, and had to hide whatever and whoever I really was.  There was also a fear because I was faking it that at any time I could be unmasked for who I wasn’t, so my ego obviously had to do double or triple duty to keep the Real Me under wraps. 

 

I also was certain that if this is true for me, it’s true in some form or degree for many of us.  It saddened me to think that we could live our entire lives without ever fully knowing the truth of who we were born to be, and to live authentic lives.

.

At that time, I realized I had no idea of Shakespeare’s full quote so I looked it up on the internet and discovered another dimension to the importance of discovering our real selves.  The full quote goes like this: “To thine own self be true, and as sure as night follows the day, thou canst then be false to no man.”  So, if I didn’t know the Real Me, how could I be true to me and was I always therefore false to others?  Wow.  No wonder we live problematic lives, and relationships are so incredibly challenging.

 

What I recognized some time ago was that I was no longer comfortable pretending to be what I am not. Most assuredly this was enhanced by my advancing age, and a deep soul urging to experience “being” as much of the Real Me as I possibly could.

 

My latest opportunity to do so started with the telephone invitation from my friend.  I really didn’t want to go to the event.  All I wanted was to be open to the process within me that was triggered by her call.  This meant I needed to focus 100% on what was happening within me, and to continue using the technique daily. Every day I wanted to call and cancel, but just couldn’t do it.  I was sure she wouldn’t understand.

 

By the time the friend turned up at my door, I had spent a week wrestling with all the conflicting emotions and, without even thinking, I simply told her my truth. Her response was amazing. She admitted that she really didn’t want to go to the event either and didn’t know why she asked me.  As we tearfully and happily hugged each other, I smiled for I knew the pure joy I experienced was surely the direct result of being true to me.

 

While I recognize the Truth that who we are at the core of our being remains totally available to us regardless of our cover-ups, I’m certain that we’ve all tried so hard to be what we’re not that it has caused us a great deal of unhappiness and sadness.  I believe we crave being our real, authentic selves, who we were born to be, and to live the lives we were born to live.  We just need a desire, and the know-how to do it.

 

I know that this type of inner work requires commitment, resolve, and tenacity, but I also know that this is one of the most important lessons one can ever learn.  After all, if we don’t know who we really are, how can anyone else every truly know us.

 

Whether you want to commit to making a difference in the world or are simply seeking to create a better life for yourself, the following technique will prove helpful.  Either way it’s a win-win situation, for just by living a better life you will make a positive difference. If you desire additional information on this technique, check out Chapter 2 of my latest book, “Becoming a Spiritual Warrior of the Heart.”

 

 

·         Inner Work Technique:  Center yourself by sitting quietly, saying prayers, listening to beautiful music, meditating or whatever process resonates within you.  Write out your intention: I claim release of any energies, thoughts and emotions that block the Real Me. Say it aloud, adding: I am divinely guided, guarded and protected.

·         Declare with emotion/resolve: I call forth the energies (past or present) that I have invested in the issues that have been repressed and depressed.  I thank them for serving me well, and am ready to release them.

·         Waiting:  It is our responsibility to trust, wait and allow the release.  I soon learned to raise my hands, with palms facing, and with great clarity to declare:  I am balanced between vulnerability (left hand) that allows the energy to rise within me, and equally empowered (right hand) to allow me to stay with the process.

·         Waiting patiently:  Usually I felt the energy begin to gather in the area of my sternum, and focused on just allowing it to be.  Quite often there were tears as the energy gathered force and I was able to fully face, feel and release it … without any idea of what it was about. 

·         Still waiting:  Sometimes I was led to add another affirmative prayer: I give every cell, organ, function of my being permission to release anything that isn’t for my highest and best good – no  matter where it is being held or how long it’s been held.

·         Success: The energy would build and finally crest in tears and sometimes sadness, but always followed by a notably strong energy release and a sensation of peace at the core of my being. 

·         Closing:   I gratefully ask the Universal Life Force-God-Good, to fill the now-empty spaces with light, love, blessings and freedom.

________________________________

Copyright © 2014 Fern Stewart Welch

The author’s books: “Becoming a Spiritual Warrior of the Heart, (April 2013); “Tea with Elisabeth,” recipient of the 2010 Silver Award for Non-fiction; “You Can Live A Balanced Life In An Unbalanced World,” (Nov. 2008), and “The Heart Knows the Way – How to Follow Your Heart to a Conscious Connection with the Divine Spirit Within,” (Feb. 2008), are available at Amazon.com, other online booksellers, as well as bookstore chains such as Barnes & Noble.