When We Are Insecure, We Try to Control Others

Many years ago I was in a relationship with a young man who was incredibly dictatorial and demanded absolute control of every aspect of my life. Naturally the relationship did not last. Years later, I realized that he was insecure within himself and felt safe only when he could control those around him. I have since learned that control is a primary challenge in many human relationships.

Many people believe, erroneously, that our spouses and significant others are there to make us happy. We often expect others to do what will make us feel good and secure, and if they can’t or won’t, it sets off our inner security system. We then decide that it is the other person’s fault, and there is something definitely wrong with them. Our egos can’t stand the idea that anything could be wrong with us so we normally look outside ourselves for someone to blame.

Then we dehumanize, or “thing” them, and feel totally justified in labeling them insensitive or whatever comes to mind at the time. After all of that – again in our own minds – we are totally absolved of any guilt over cutting them out of our lives or simply shutting down any emotional connection. This scenario is probably the number one cause of divorce, or of couples staying together and living lives of quiet desperation.

I believe there is a different way. We are either in fear or in Love. The relationships mentioned above are fear-based. The Love I am speaking of is eternal and spiritual and has no limits. It is diametrically opposed to ego love, which is based on getting rather than giving and is the basis of many of today’s intimate relationships.

This Love is expansive and powerful and continually seeks to flow from us to others for the good of all. It is the true essence and nature of our being, and fills us with the awareness that we are one with Life, which brings us an inner security and sustained happiness.

Fear closes us off. It is a result of feeling separate at a core level. When we don’t feel connected or a part of the universal life energy-force-Love that manifests itself through us, we are fearful. We have no anchor. We develop an unhealthy and deep-seated offensive position toward others and life. The outward manifestation of this disconnectedness is the projection of control on others.

I believe if we are willing to face what we fear in ourselves, we can once again connect with the eternal and sublime energy within each of us, which is Love.

We will then find that we aren’t rowing upstream all by ourselves, but are in the flow of life and are more at peace with whatever happens. We are reconnected to self, to others and the ongoing stream of life, which is our natural and desired state.

I believe it is humanity’s natural evolutionary path to come to this conscious awareness and connect with the energy-force-Love that is within us and everything in the universe. We will then be inspired and moved to change our lives. Our relationships will also be transformed and healed—as the need to control others will no longer exist.
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Copyright 2007 by Fern Stewart Welch

The author’s book THE HEART KNOWS THE WAY—How to Follow Your Heart to a Conscious Connection with the Divine Spirit Within is available at Amazon.com and other online booksellers, as well as through major bookstores such as Barnes & Noble and Borders.