Releasing Childhood Wounds and Reclaiming Our True Selves

After a recent business conversation concerning one of my books, in which I didn’t receive the response I wanted, I felt a wave of emotion wash over me that took me back to childhood: I immediately felt unloved and undeserving.

This wasn’t the first time this kind of thing had happened. But it was the first time I consciously recognized the inappropriate reaction for what it was. I was surprised that the emotions were powerful enough to rattle my confidence and knock me off center. Instead of being able to view the situation objectively, I felt the pain of childhood and my wounded heart.

Since I made a decision many years ago to grow through life instead of just going through it, I realized there are often many layers of issues that we need to peel away and clear in order to be free of subconscious thoughts, beliefs and emotions that affect us in undesirable ways. This was certainly true in this instance.

I also knew that some emotional wounding from childhood is inevitable for all of us. Even if we are born into the healthiest family environment imaginable, it happens. When we start out, our lives depend on the responses of those around us, and unless they automatically know what our cries mean and respond quickly, we soon learn that the world can be an unfriendly place.

Also, because children are complex and unique individuals, it would be miraculous for parents to be everything we need in every instance to assure we grow into healthy adults free of any emotional damage. This explains why so many of us, as well as our children and grandchildren, end up with a subconscious laundry list of unmet-unhealed needs that continue to have a powerful impact on our lives.

By the time we’re adults many of us are aware that in order to cope with individual family dynamics, we had to suppress parts of ourselves and take on adaptive behavior in order to fit into or survive in a specific environment. Psychologists call this adaptive behavior a “false” or “disowned self.” This type of behavior can result from any form of dysfunctional parenting that causes a child to change his or her natural responses in order to cope with the situation. In extreme cases, it happens when a child tries to escape the wrath of an abusive parent.

We create this false self to mask the hurt of giving up our original God-given wholeness. This adaptive behavior separates us from our true selves and disallows any true intimacy with ourselves or anyone else.

Later on, as adults, when we don’t get what we need or want from life or our significant others, the emotional energy connected to our unhealed issues will bubble up from our subconscious, often in unhealthy ways. This is a message reminding us that here is yet another opportunity to reclaim our wholeness.

Many people will relate not only to the familiar feeling of emptiness within that is the result of denying our true selves, but also to the habit of trying to use constant activity, food or drugs in an attempt to fill this hole. This response doesn’t work, as we are really seeking to reunite with our undivided, original state of being.

Here is a simple process I learned years ago in a workshop that helps reveal adaptive behavior and begin the healing. It involves going back in our mind’s eye to childhood, and visualizing the house and all the people who strongly influenced our early lives. Coming from mature awareness and love, we then initiate conversations with individual family members. We can feel free to express any feelings – including anger – and to tell them what we needed in childhood and didn’t receive.

Then take a sheet of paper and place two headings at the top of the page: Challenges and Reactions. Below on the left-hand side of the paper write down the names of all the individuals involved, starting with the parents.

As an example, under Challenges, next to my mother’s name, I wrote: “She paid no attention to me.” Under Reactions I wrote: “I try to be perfect to please her; I rebel against her.” For my father, I wrote under Challenges: “He’s hardly ever at home; he cares for me and I know it, but he is not involved in my life.” And my Reaction was: “I try to please him and to get close to him; I pay no attention to him.”

Continue the writing until a clear picture develops of the adaptive behavior we have chosen in childhood. For example, I discovered that initially I tried to be perfect, compliant and never to express anger. By the time I was ten years old, I had turned my attention and focus to the external world, assuming that by shutting the memories out of my mind and forging ahead, I wouldn’t be touched by it any more. I was wrong.

The first required healing step is to do forgiveness work for ourselves and for our family members, whether they are alive or not. This is essential and must be continued for as long as it takes. I recommend saying as often as possible: I freely and wholly forgive myself for any real or imagined wrong done by me to me, or to anyone else, past or present. I freely and wholly forgive (name) ________ for any real or imagined wrong done to me, past or present. I am free. They are free.

The next stage is to use our new awareness to stop the unconscious adaptive behavior by strengthening and supporting our true selves. I recommend repeating as often as possible: I love, nurture and cherish myself. I freely give and receive love. I can healthfully express anger and work through differences. I am perfect, whole and complete right now.

With the right attitude and intention, we can go home again, heal our wounded hearts and be free to reclaim our original undivided selves.
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Copyright © 2008 by Fern Stewart Welch

The author’s book THE HEART KNOWS THE WAY—How to Follow Your Heart to a Conscious Connection with the Divine Spirit Within – is available at Amazon.com, as well as through major bookstores such as Barnes & Noble and Borders.