Dealing With the Dysfunction Around Us

A few weeks ago, I started to question why I was hooked on watching “The Office,” a television sit-com in which the main character is a real jerk, someone who is smugly unconscious of his inappropriate behavior. At first I thought it was because the lead actor is so perfectly cast in the role. But I soon realized it was because I could relate to such a dysfunctional office environment.

Years ago I worked in corporate offices where in one instance it was a co-worker and in another it was the department manager who specialized in backstabbing, gossiping, trying to turn individuals against each other and, in general, exhibiting egotistical, dysfunctional [inappropriate] and unacceptable behavior.

In looking back, I realized that the really annoying and frustrating part of those situations was that I felt helpless to change them. It didn’t take too much reflection to recognize that like many others I also have a family member who exhibits similar behavior. Not a big surprise, as John Bradshaw, a bestselling author and leader in the field of family health, says that 97% of families in America are dysfunctional, and the other 3% are lying.

For the countless number of us who find ourselves on the receiving end of such behavior, whatever the source, there’s nothing funny about it. I also realized that I had spent way too much time and life energy in a variety of loving approaches to this problem, none of which changed the problem externally or allowed me to come to peace with the situation. So, I sought the help of a retired physician who in his lengthy career has counseled many individuals on how to achieve healthy relationships.

The first thing I learned was that in most cases the dysfunctional person doesn’t have a clue that their behavior is annoying, hurtful, objectionable, or inappropriate. He further explained that most people who exhibit such behavior are usually surprised and shocked when they discover, if they ever do, how their behavior is viewed by others.

At first I found this difficult to accept, but eventually I had to concede that all we have to do is take a look around us to know the truth in his statement. Many of us don’t have any idea of what a healthy relationship looks like or what it takes to create one – such as an awareness of how our behavior affects others.

He said that one of the core reasons for toxic or dysfunctional behavior is that rarely does anyone have the courage to confront the offenders, especially if it is a family member. He offered a practical solution that, ideally, should start in childhood. If parents and other family members observe dysfunctional behavior – such as inappropriate displays of anger or acting on invalid beliefs and misperceptions – they could try correcting and guiding them into more acceptable behavior patterns. If this proves unsuccessful, this would be the time to seek professional help.

Our normal tendency, however, as he pointed out, is to be extremely cautious about confronting those who can make our lives miserable. In the workplace situation, for example, he said it would require sensitivity, tact and wisdom. All we needed to do, he said, was take the situation to the highest level of management – which has a vested interest in employee satisfaction and safety – explain the situation, and request that a code of conduct be drafted that covered everyone and would be enforced up to and including being dismissed.

When it was time for the expert to comment on my personal situation, he acknowledged the fact that my family’s lack of positive action to resolve the situation was also dysfunctional and resulted in a no-win situation for all concerned. He said when our family chose to silently condone the dysfunctional behavior, the victims were in a position of being doubly wronged, and the perpetrator never learned correct behavior.

While the information was a balm to the wounded child part of me that ended up feeling unloved and unworthy, I was still left with a nagging desire for some sort of closure and inner peace.

As a closing comment, he simply lowered his voice and said softly, “Fern, the primary purpose of human relationships is to learn to identify and resolve our own internal thoughts, beliefs, patterns and needs, and in the process to expand our conscious awareness and truly love ourselves.”

This profound and simple statement pulled me up out of the emotions surrounding “my story.” I not only got the lesson, I knew the answer was within me, had absolutely nothing to do with the other person and was something I had to do for myself.

When we find ourselves in any undesirable situation, no matter the source, there are lessons in it for us; otherwise, we wouldn’t be involved in it. I also knew that the first step in resolving the issue was to stop blaming the other person and to stop repeating the painful stories to ourselves and others. Under the law of attraction, ignoring that advice simply continues to draw to us more of the same. The final and most challenging step for many of us is to look within and heal the part of us that bought into the fallacy that we are unlovable and unworthy. This is what attracts such experiences to us.

I was also acutely aware of the fact that we have no control over the behavior of another human being. The good news, however, is that we hold the key to resolving these issues within us. The lesson learned: When we love, honor and respect ourselves, we will not attract people to us who seek a vulnerable target for their suppressed anger and other unresolved life issues.

[To learn Ten Steps to Healthy Relationships, go to: www.FernStewartWelch.com, and click on How-to Lists at the top.]
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Copyright © 2008 by Fern Stewart Welch

The author’s book THE HEART KNOWS THE WAY—How to Follow Your Heart to a Conscious Connection with the Divine Spirit Within – is available at Amazon.com, as well as through major bookstores such as Barnes & Noble and Borders.