How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable

A couple I have known for a long time, but see only every few years came to town recently and we had dinner together. They described to me a situation with another acquaintance in which they were unable to comfortably differ even slightly with this person because he “is into making a huge emotional deal out of everything and always becomes aggressive and disagreeable.”

I resonated with this all-too-familiar experience and realized that the couple were obviously not skilled in conflict resolution, and therefore tend to avoid conflict of any kind at all costs. I know. I lived that way during my first marriage, which was seriously impacted by a fear of conflict, as was my later corporate career. I remember when as a supervisor, I had to let employees go. Inevitably one of two extremes resulted: If I was too soft and kind, some actually thought they were getting a raise; and if I was matter-of fact and strong, they would become angered and vent their anger at the situation on me.

In reality, I think most of us are in awe of those who can deliver or accept criticism without negative results and who can field negative comments about race, politics or religion with graceful honesty and integrity. As much as we longingly admire those abilities, there are millions of us who don’t possess them but would still like to feel free to say what we really think without the fear of having our faces chewed off. I now believe that people who come on aggressively and disagree by being disagreeable are bullies who also lack skills in conflict resolution and want to assure that others back off in the face of their opinions.

I have learned that the key element in healthfully expressing disagreements is respect. When we respect ourselves first, then we are capable of respecting other people, their opinions and their value as human beings. Unfortunately, we live in an age of disrespect that defines and diminishes our daily lives.

All we have to do to get a taste of this is to read a few of those politically biased e-mails that make the rounds. Occasionally, if I trust the sender, I start to read one and am often so disappointed. Not only does the writer disagree with anyone else’s political views, they question that person’s patriotism, their right to life, pronounce them devoid of any redeeming value, consider them among the ugliest people on Earth and offer sympathy to their spouses for being saddled with them.

This excessive ranting via e-mails says a lot about the lack of respect that is prevalent in our country today. It also points up the barely repressed anger that exists in so many people and is irresponsibly stoked and supported by some talking heads in the media. What this situation tells us is that it is more vital than ever that we learn to manage the normal conflicts that arise in our personal and professional relationships for our own well-being and that of our fellow citizens.

Here are some practical insights I gleaned from surfing the Internet for Web sites that concern conflict resolution. Healthy conflict resolution depends on: Being well aware of our needs and beliefs so that we aren’t overwhelmed in a confrontation; being able to stay calm and control our emotions and our behavior; paying attention to how the other person feels as well as their words and actions, as much is communicated nonverbally; and staying aware of and respectful of differences; and avoiding disrespectful words and actions.

It is also important to recognize and respond to what is important, and to use humor and playfulness when it isn’t. We need to maintain a willingness to forgive and forget; seek compromises and avoid punishment; and know that conflict resolution supports the best interest of all and strengthens any relationship. When resolution fails, agree to disagree and move on – allow the other person to be the other person and not a reflection of yourself.

Our lives are defined by a fast-paced, high-powered and high-tech culture that is changing fast and filled with great uncertainties. The stress that results makes it challenging to maintain relationships with colleagues, family members and friends. To do more than survive, we will need a generation of people who can resolve conflict by disagreeing without being disagreeable and get on with much-needed problem solving.
____________________________________
Copyright © 2009 by Fern Stewart Welch

The author’s books: “You Can Live A Balanced Life In An Unbalanced World!” and “The Heart Knows the Way – How to Follow Your Heart to a Conscious Connection with the Divine Spirit Within” are available at Amazon.com and other online booksellers, as well as through major bookstores such as Barnes & Noble and Borders.