Friday, September 26, 2014

A Friend Remembers Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross on the 10th Anniversary of Her Death – The Woman Behind the Iconic Image


There are no accidents, everything in life happens for a positive reason.                                         ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D

When fate and fame elevate someone to international icon status, that person is often not just idealized and idolized, but dehumanized as well.  That is what happened to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the Swiss-born physician whose book “On Death and Dying” stunned the world in 1969 with a new way of looking at how we treat the end of life.

At a time when women were not common on the world stage, Elisabeth was portrayed at times as a driven, over-confident, outspoken, irascible, hard-to-get-along-with, stubborn, witchy-bitchy, out-there woman.  Probably, if she had been a man and was doing the same job in the same way, he would have been admired and praised for his pit-bull tenacity, his intractable fierceness in never giving up or giving in.

But I knew a different Elisabeth, a vulnerable elderly woman, facing the last decade of her life out of the limelight.  These were the quiet years, the international honors and awards were all bestowed, there were no more public events where she held thousands spellbound, and all the controversies were muted.  Still the years of intense stress had taken their toll on her health, and already in a wheelchair, she retired in 1995 to Arizona where her son lived and where I also lived.

Elisabeth was good friends with the physician who established the Arizona-based foundation I directed, and when invited to be a member of the Advisory Board, she graciously accepted.  I was her contact, and we worked together for several years.  Although it was strictly professional, we enjoyed each other’s company and laughed a lot.   While she seemed drawn to me, and wanted to be friends, I resisted because I was born a highly-sensitive introvert – and I knew my limits for the kind of drama Elisabeth was capable of generating around her.

When I left the foundation in 1999 – to be with my beloved husband who was in an extended death process – I made a courtesy telephone call to honor her and to say goodbye.  She asked, “When are you coming out to see me?”  I politely explained that I no longer had a business reason to do that.  She countered with, “What does that have to do with anything?”  She called me at home once a week for a month – it touched my heart and I decided to give an ongoing friendship with this formidable woman a try.

I realized after a few visits that Elisabeth was lonely and needed a friend, and although I didn’t know it at that time, I did too.  I think what we valued in each other was our commitment to speaking our truth, and the fact that we were each spiritual seekers who were working on learning patience and how to love and be good to ourselves.

Several times a month for about five years I drove to Elisabeth’s house to share the civilized ritual of “taking tea,” which was synonymous with having a visit with her.  I learned her favorite delicacies and loved seeing her face light up with delight when I delivered them.

What mattered to me was that she seemed to enjoy my company, as I did hers.  Plus she trusted me, and I was humbled and protective of that.

I discovered that Elisabeth could find humor in any situation.  Once when she was in a rehab facility, recuperating from a fall, she asked me to hold a large glass of ice-cold lemonade so that she could drink from the straw.  We were doing okay until she waved her arm and hit the glass, spilling its contents on her chest.  She was so sensitive to cold, she let out a shriek.  When I asked God for forgiveness for failing to prevent the accident, she laughed uncontrollably and finally sucked in a breath and said, “He’s enjoying it, too!”  I was finally able to laugh, and we spent the rest of the visit embraced in carefree frivolity.

The greatest gift of Elisabeth’s life was the two young granddaughters who adored her, Sylvia and Emma.  When I shopped for my grandchildren, I often bought gifts for Elisabeth to send to hers, which brought out the child in her.  I connected the incredible love she lavished on these two, with the fact that she was born one of a set of triplets and never received the individual love and attention she desired.  I could relate because I was the seventh of 10 children.

I recall including Elisabeth at an afternoon tea in the desert, with some women friends of mine.  Elisabeth was surprisingly quiet as the others chatted away.  Later, she told me that this was the only time in her life that she had experienced such a gathering, just women getting together and having fun.   There was nothing to be “accomplished,” and no one needed anything from her.  She could just relax and enjoy.

When Elisabeth discovered my husband’s critical condition, she began subtly guiding us through it.  First she suggested that I start a journal of our experiences.  I did.  Much later she recommended that I write a book about what we went through and how we handled it.  I did.  She gave it her highest commendation: “This is not phony baloney.”  Now I realize fully that her influence led me to find my life purpose and strengthened me to actually live it.

While writing a tribute for Elisabeth’s memorial service in August of 2004, I yearned for a way to honor her that would be ongoing and could be shared with those who knew her only through the media.  The result was a book of tributes, “Tea with Elisabeth,” which was published in 2009.  The 51 contributors included bestselling authors, celebrities, hospice leaders, colleagues, family and friends.  Their memories bring to life the colorful human side of this tiny woman who became a global force for change, and yet who was so wonderfully, beautifully, painfully human.

♥♥♥
_______________________________________                                                            Copyright © 2014 by Fern Stewart Welch                                                                     

The author’s books: “Becoming a Spiritual Warrior of the Heart, (April 2013); “Tea with Elisabeth,” recipient of the 2010 Silver Award for Non-fiction; “You Can Live a Balanced Life in An Unbalanced World,” (Nov. 2008); and “The Heart Knows the Way – How to Follow Your Heart to a Conscious Connection with the Divine Spirit Within,” (Feb. 2008), are available at Amazon.com, other online booksellers, as well as bookstore chains such as Barnes & Noble.








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