The Importance of Keeping a "Soft" Heart

On a road trip with my sister, we talked about our lifelong perception of another family member that recently turned out to be questionable. We realized this when we attended the person’s memorial service and heard how other people saw her. We concluded that we had allowed a couple of isolated perceptions to become judgments, which justified avoiding and never really getting to know this relative.

When I thought about this later, I realized that for me this pattern of coping with difficult relationships started early in life with my mother. My perception of her was of a cold, unfeeling and sometimes harsh woman because I never felt loved or cherished by her.

Since this is one of life’s primary relationships, I experienced the full spectrum of textbook emotions—anger, fear, shame and unworthiness. My response was also typical. In order to ease the pain, I hardened my heart toward her. So that no one else would know of my private heartache and the shame of not being someone that a mother could love, I became the attentive and dutiful daughter.

I learned years later that when something goes wrong in our lives our tendency is to blame others, and we feel justified in doing so. However, by following this path we never find the love we are seeking, which is within us.

After years of doing daily forgiveness work for my mother and myself, I opened to this natural wellspring of love within me. I grew past the need for my mother, or anyone else, to love me. This changed my life.

As I began thinking of my mother and the traumas she endured as a child, it was possible to understand the woman she had become. My heart softened toward her. The love just naturally flowed from me to her and it didn’t matter that she could not return it.

Near the end of her life, she had senile dementia and was unaware of me or anyone else. With an open and tender heart, I was able to be there for her at a time when it was most needed. I was also able to give her the love and nurturing she wasn’t capable of giving me as a child.

I realize that there will always be opportunities to allow perceptions to become judgments that tempt us to shut people out of our hearts and our lives. I believe this is contradictory to the overflowing love that is within us that is yearning to flow and connect with others. I also believe it takes a lot of precious life energy to keep others out of our hearts, and this process robs us of inner peace.

It is a fact that our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual aspects are linked together and the decision to harden our heart toward another can affect our physical bodies. During an annual physical some years ago, I learned that several areas of my heart had started to harden, which would make it more difficult for my heart to beat healthfully. I instinctively knew the cause and the cure.

It is important to remember that our own physical and emotional well-being depends on maintaining an inner peace which comes from a healthy relationship with our self and others. I believe the only way to ensure that is by keeping a soft and open heart.
______________________________
Copyright 2007 by Fern Stewart Welch

The author’s book THE HEART KNOWS THE WAY—How to Follow Your Heart to a Conscious Connection with the Divine Spirit Within is available from Amazon.com, other online booksellers, and through major bookstores such as Barnes & Noble and Borders.