What It Means to Live In a Culture That Resists Intimacy

Last night seemed like any other. I drove into my gated community, pressed the garage door opener, entered—and breathed a sigh of relief as the door closed behind my car.

The difference is that this was the first time I realized that my reaction was fear-based. For a few minutes I justified that feeling. I thought about the incredible traffic, the reality that the much larger vehicles on the road that are in the majority could crush my little car like a grape, then factored in the fearful world conditions, the rising crime rate and realized that arriving home unscathed and unharmed day after day was in and of itself a victory.

While all of that is true, I also realized that by closing the garage door and shutting out the world, I was also figuratively and literally closing myself off to the world. It has been ten years since I moved into this house. I have maintained my friendships and other relationships, but I don’t know anyone in this development except my winter-visitor neighbor next door and two individuals across the street who came to my aid when I had a house problem a few years ago. And this “knowing” doesn’t extend much beyond an occasional wave and a few words of greeting.

This has now become a way of life in our country: We each have our little space with our own little family and we are isolated from others. Today it would be unthinkable to make an unannounced visit to friends or family.

I thought back to my childhood in St. Louis. We knew the families [and a lot of their business] on both sides of the street and even on neighboring streets. There was a palpable sense of structure and security in knowing that we were connected to our birth families, relatives, friends and the community. Looking back it was as if we were embraced in a living process that it seemed would continue through all the events and stages of our lives.

Today, however, we find ourselves living in a culture that fears intimacy and this has radically changed our lives. We are afraid of needing one another, and of getting close. We are so isolated and disconnected from our inner selves and each other that we don’t even realize it is community we miss and need.

I believe the saddest aspect of this fear of intimacy is that it has spawned a generation of lone rangers whose goal is not to need or be needed. I remember when it was different, and from that perspective it is easy to see the error in drawing within and shrinking from life. This is a no-win situation as it denies humanity’s need to grow into fully functioning and aware spiritual beings who can fulfill our highest potential. We were not meant to do it alone. We are all one.

I realize that this tendency may seem a natural response to the more dangerous and highly mobile life of today. Yet this is not the way we were meant to live and deep down we know it. Our birthright is to live purpose-filled and happy lives as long as we’re alive.

I believe this means wisely coming to a balance: Taking the time [solitude] to go within and truly know ourselves and to stay connected with our inner self, and then becoming an active part of life in a way that is fully conscious, meaningful and appropriate for us. A sense of community and connectedness with life doesn’t happen by retreating within our houses and closing the doors. It comes out of participating in life with others. It is a state of mind, and I’m moving to that state.
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Copyright 2007 by Fern Stewart Welch

The author’s book THE HEART KNOWS THE WAY—How to Follow Your Heart to a Conscious Connection with the Divine Spirit Within is available at Amazon.com and other online booksellers, as well as through major bookstores such as Barnes & Noble and Borders.