Monday, August 4, 2008

Opening Our Minds Instead of Closing Our Hearts

Many of us have had relationships that despite our highest and best hopes could never be what we desire. For more years than I care to admit, I experienced sadness and heartache over a relationship with a close family member who I dearly love. At first I thought I could “heal” the relationship by being more loving, kind, forgiving and generous. That didn’t work. I also prayed daily for a resolution, to no avail. For some unknown reason, the person dislikes me intensely and wants little to do with me. I had only been able to hold onto a tenuous connection by a strong inner desire.

Over the past few years, the individual has stopped responding to or initiating any communication and has kept any physical contact to a minimum. Perhaps if the situation hadn’t presented such a deep emotional-energy tie for me, I would have been able to face the reality of it years ago. However, I had grown through enough in life to know that the time had come to face whatever lesson this issue held. I knew that pain and suffering come from hanging on to what has passed, and I was finally ready to accept what is, and start using the insights gained to heal the situation within myself.

For a very long time, I was unable to make any progress in the healing. I finally got in touch with the fact that I held a hidden belief that by healing me it would somehow dissipate or dissolve the love I had for the other person. I wasn’t willing to allow that to happen, as it would have been a betrayal of the very essence of what I knew in my heart. I knew that I could heal myself and release the other person without affecting the love I held for them. I took the time to anchor that belief in my subconscious and then continued the healing process.

Some time ago I had written a letter to this individual acknowledging our situation. I didn’t ask any questions or expect a response; I simply set the person free and indicated my ongoing love. Then, in loving support of each of us, I repeated the following affirmations daily: I place (name) _______ in a ball of light and love and release them to their own true place in life. I place myself in a ball of light and love and release me to my own true place in life.

Since forgiveness is one of the keys to happiness, I also repeated the following affirmations daily: I freely and wholly forgive myself for any real or imagined wrong I have done to me or to (name) ________, past or present. I freely and wholly forgive (name) _________, for any real or imagined wrong done to me, past or present. I am free. They are free.

As I consciously focused on my purpose, to grow through the situation in an enlightened, life-affirming way, the inner healing began to happen. I recalled that love is eternal. Despite what the external appearances seemed to be, I knew my love for this person was real and ongoing. I was never going to close my heart to the individual, which is usually the first reaction in such an experience. I also began to realize that instead of judging or blaming the person, which is also typical in such cases, I was able to move through that stage fairly quickly with love.

Then in another atypical response, instead of just thinking about me, how this situation affected me, and wanting life to be the way I wanted it, I began trying to imagine myself in the other person’s shoes. I realized that because of our longstanding, yet distant relationship, I actually didn’t know the person, what their life challenges were or what unique destiny they were to fulfill. I only knew they were also here on Earth to learn lessons. I remembered a wise spiritual teacher counseling me that the people in our lives who present our biggest challenges are also our greatest teachers.

While mulling over that last bit of information, it suddenly popped into my conscious mind that this was one of my largest life lessons, and I had drawn this person into my life to help me learn once and for all that I have the choice to let go of sadness and suffering and to be free in any situation. With that realization, a wave of love and gratitude for the other person’s vital role in this lesson rose up within me. At the same time I was aware that any of their actions toward me actually said more about them and their life lessons and had little or nothing to do with me.

I also immediately knew that in releasing the sadness and regret I held around the situation, I wasn’t shutting off love for the other person. To the contrary, I was performing an act of love that would be freeing for both of us. I finally got it, and my heart expanded as this truth-awareness settled into the core of my being.

By opening our minds and keeping an open heart, we come from a higher perspective and can reframe the situation [change our thinking] about these highly emotional issues. As we accept the fact that we are here to help each other learn lessons, we will better understand the value in allowing the other person the space to learn theirs – while retaining the love we have for them within us. This sets each soul free to act from an open and unburdened heart and to realize their full human potential.
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Copyright 2008 by Fern Stewart Welch

The author’s book THE HEART KNOWS THE WAY—How to Follow Your Heart to a Conscious Connection with the Divine Spirit Within is available at Amazon.com and other online booksellers, as well as through major bookstores such as Barnes & Noble and Borders.

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